"I don’t always know what I’m thinking. I don’t believe that anyone always knows what they’re thinking. It’s important to acknowledge this, because when people don’t acknowledge it, they often simply decide to be something that doesn’t quite match up with what they want. Sometimes this works fine — if the pattern a person chooses to impose on her self can function, then who cares if it’s a perfect match? (I mean, arguably, people are always imposing unmatched patterns on our thoughts and selves.) But although this sometimes works fine, there are plenty of times when it doesn’t work fine. Or really at all."
Via.
I never know what I am thinking. I have a million thoughts going through my head at any one time, especially in a high tension situation or moment of conflict, and people have noted I often get this...pondering...sort of look on my face as I stare off into the distance, seeming absent from the here and now.
No, this is not the case. I am not avoiding the conversation or not paying attention. I am merely thinking. I am searching for something to say, sorting through the millions of thoughts in my head or feelings in my heart and gut. People push for me to say something, anything, and I just....can't. "I don't know what to say."
I've been told this is problematic, that I don't talk about my feelings and I should, that I am being closed off. And for a long ass fucking time I believed it. But then I actually thought about it: I AM a chatty, talkative person. I like having discussions and debating with people. I think the problem lies in the fact that, because I always seem to have a million thoughts at once, I'm not so great at putting my thoughts into words (well enough that my point can be understood anyways). And so when I am sitting there staring far off into the distance, I am merely trying to put in order all my unorganized thoughts and feelings on the matter so that when I DO have something to say....it won't come out a jumbled mess and I can be better understood.
To me, taking the time to think and organize my thoughts is an important process. I would like others to understand that it is not in their best interest, or my own, for me to spit something out because they want or need to hear something in that exact moment. If "I don't know what to say", then I don't. It doesn't mean I won't ever. I just need time to properly articulate what I have to say.
So, quit pressuring me. Please refrain from taking it as an indication that I don't care or that I have zero opinion or feeling.
I do. Just takes me longer than some, is all.
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