I've experienced a lot of what you would call street harassment in my short life. What girl hasn't? You know - guys in cars honking at you as they drive by, whistling as you walk past, gawking and ogling you on your way to school, work, the store, FUCK just about anywhere. But on Saturday night I experienced something quite a bit different...
I was heading from my apartment uptown to downtown to meet a friend for dinner and a movie. I was somewhat dressed up (not like it matters what the hell I was wearing anyways), was feeling good, and headed into the Davisville subway station.
I walked down the steps to the Southbound platform. The platform was pretty empty. The only people I saw were at the most Northern end of the track. I had my phone in my hand and I was texting my friend to let him know I was on my way. I saw in my peripherals that a person had joined me a few feet down on the platform but I didn't look up from my phone.
Texting away, I could sense that the individual had gotten closer to me. I looked up and saw a guy standing there starring at me. He was in his mid to late twenties. It made me a bit uncomfortable but, not wanting to make him aware of this, I shrugged it off and kept looking down at my phone.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that the guy was doing something but still starring in my direction. Out of habit, I looked up and saw that he was still starring at me. But he had his hands down his pants.
I quickly looked away. I was in a bit of shock and my first instinct was to walk away. So I quickly turned the corner to where the stairs are. I stood there for a moment processing what I had just seen. Maybe I was mistaken and he didn't have his hands down his pants. "Who does that out in the open?!" I thought.
I took a few steps back towards the platform and the individual turned the corner almost right into me. And guess what? He STILL had his hands down his pants. I kept my eyes on my phone in my hands, trying to make it seem like I hadn't noticed, and walked abruptly down the platform towards two men standing waiting for the train. My hands were shaking.
I stood and waited for the train but I could still feel his eyes on me. As the train approached and sped by, I could see him slowly making his way down the platform towards me. All I could think was "Holy shit please don't get on the same car as me."
The train came to a stop and I hopped on. I looked down the platform and the guy didn't even get on the train. As it sped away, I tried not to make eye contact with him as it went by.
I felt so....dirty and scared. But I was also grateful that the situation had not escalated.
And as much as I feel justified in my feelings, I can't help thinking that maybe I should have taken a different approach. After relaying this story to another person, I was told I should have shouted and called him out on it, made other people aware of what was going on, called for help. You know, kinda like that lady on the subway in NYC when that guy whipped his dick out. But...I didn't. I was frozen. I was in shock. I didn't think to do those things at the time. It's easier said than done. I always thought I would be the type to do that but when it actually happens to you, who knows how you will react. Telling some guy to fuck off as he drives past you and shouts "NICE TITS!" on the street is way easier than saying that to some masturbating pervert on an almost empty subway platform at night.
You never know what could happen.
What gets me the most about this is that I got a bad uncomfortable feeling about this asshole the minute I caught him starring at me. But I didn't want to seem rude. I didn't want to seem rude. That's fucked.
We are constantly finding reasons to excuse our instincts. "Oh I'm just being silly", we think. We put other people's feelings before our own in potentially dangerous situations. Why?! It makes no sense. Why would I care if this weirdo stranger who is giving me bad vibes thinks that I am rude? He is the one being rude by invading my personal space.
Gavin de Becker writes about this in his book The Gift of Fear. A little synopsis:
"Author Gavin de Becker says victims of violent behavior usually feel a sense of fear before any threat or violence takes place. They may distrust the fear, or it may impel them to some action that saves their lives. A leading expert on predicting violent behavior, de Becker believes we can all learn to recognize these signals of the "universal code of violence," and use them as tools to help us survive. The book teaches how to identify the warning signals of a potential attacker and recommends strategies for dealing with the problem before it becomes life threatening."
He writes that we need to trust our instincts because it never fails us. The case studies in this book are horrifying and when he talks to victims of violence, they never fail to mention that they felt in their gut that something wasn't quite right but hushed that voice inside their heads and told themselves they were being ridiculous.
We gotta learn to trust ourselves instead of trusting complete strangers. You're feelings are justified because you are feeling them. No question about it.
