I know the feeling...

I read a post today about a young girl's experience in a classroom, discussing how to prevent rape (as if there is any answer other than "don't rape"), where she felt overwhelmed by the reactions of her peers to such a sensitive topic.

It reminded me of my own experience of leaving the classroom to cry.

I was in an acting class, Actually, it was the last class of the course and we were performing our final scenes.

My scene was from the play - later made into a movie - Closer. I was the female lead and my scene partner was the male lead. If you haven't read the play or seen the movie, it contains very sexually explicit material and language. The scene we would be performing was one that contained very graphic language.

I'm not gonna lie, it was a challenge. My scene partner and I had discussed the scene to a great extent - how we viewed the characters/broke them down, their history, why they were saying these things, etc. etc. etc. We noted how we thought normal people would not talk to each other like this and, if in real life, someone spoke to us in that manner we would simply walk out.

The way the class worked was you performed the scene, the teacher would critique and give notes to assist, and you would perform it again.

We performed the scene how we would have rehearsed it. It was a very intense scene and I thought we did a great job with our interpretation.

Our instructor told us that we needed even more intensity. She wanted the argument to go beyond simple communication and she would like us to take it to the next level. She told my scene partner that, if he felt the urge to grab me, then that's what he should do.

I said "okay" wearily, even though I wasn't exactly comfortable. "That isn't what we rehearsed," I thought. But decided to go with it anyways.

We started the scene again and the intensity level grew. The instructor kept shouting things out at us while we were performing - to go to the next level, more intensity, more more more.

I began to get frustrated. And not the angry kind of frustrated. The uncomfortable, "shut the hell up while we are trying to do this" kind of frustration.

She stopped us as we were approaching the end of the scene. She jumped up and said that it still wasn't enough.

"She is pissing you off. You are getting so angry that you just want to throw her on that bed and rape her," she said to my partner.

Everyone in the class started laughing and I think someone even said "Ooooh ya!". I, however, was not laughing. Nor my scene partner. My breathing starting getting heavy - the kind of breathing where your chin starts to quiver and you know you are about to cry. But I held it in.

"Let's do it one more time." she said.

We did. We had intensity. The "throw her on the bed and rape her" kind of intensity that she was looking for.

When we finished, I stood there with a cold look on my face and my arms crossed. She could tell something was up so she asked me if there was a problem.

"Yes I have a problem," I said. "I'm uncomfortable. That was not how we imagined the scene and we did not rehearse any of the physicality that you sprung on us. Also, everyone was laughing when you mentioned the idea of rape."

At that point my chin started to quiver and my voice got shakey. "Everyone was laughing and I don't find it funny. I don't find rape funny."

At that point I could feel the tears start and I turned and walked out of the room. I left and went and cried in the bathroom.

The teacher came and found me to apologize. She said she didn't realize how that might make someone feel like that and if I was uncomfortable with the material, I should have spoken to her about it. I told her it wasn't the original material, it was how she forced her "rapey" version of the scene on us like that. Other students in the class also apologized for laughing and told me that they don't really truly think rape is something to laugh about.

That was one of the worst feelings ever. Mind you, now that I look back on the incident I think it is fair to say that some people simply laughed because they were uncomfortable - a common reaction. I know I have laughed at inappropriate things because I was uncomfortable and didn't know what else to do at the time. I don't hold it against anybody. But, like I said, I still felt shitty about it.

I was also pretty ticked that the instructor had thrown that at us. I still to this day don't see how our interpretation of the scene could be wrong. It was just different than hers. I also don't think that any sort of physicality (especially one of a violent nature) should be improvised on the spot. That shit needs to be rehearsed so that everyone involved feels safe and comfortable.

Sadly, this isn't the only experience I have like this - where people laugh about rape or how women are raped because they dress like "sluts". I have cried on multiple occasions following discussions about rape and victim-blaming. I share the same frustrations as Jamie - why don't people "get it". It's a simple concept: women are in no way responsible for their own rapes. They are raped because someone chose to rape them.

Girls Inc. of Durham is screening Miss Representation next Friday November 4th at The Regent Theatre in Oshawa!

Eeeeee! I reeeeeeeallly hope I can make it out. I am dying to see this documentary. 

Well Said!

So I came across this woman named Jaclyn Friedman quite a while ago and I love her writing.

A little bit about this woman (according to www.amplifyyourvoice.org):

"Jaclyn Friedman is a pop culture junkie and the editor of the hit book Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape.She is a survivor of sexual assault who has been a pro-sex, anti-rape activist for over 15 years, and she's become a popular speaker about sexuality and safety issues on campuses across the country. Friedman is also an award-winning writer and performer whose work has been published in outlets including The Huffington Post, The American Prospect, Bitch, AlterNet, and DoubleX. She spends her days working as the Program Director of the Center for New Words, and is co-founder of WAM!, CNW's conference on Women, Action, & the Media. Friedman is a charter member of CounterQuo, a national leadership coalition challenging the way we respond to sexual violence. You can follow her on Twitter at @jaclynf."

I have been reading her blog "Yes Means Yes". Not only is she hilarious and well-spoken, but she hits the nail on the head on many of the issues that I am interested in/care about/struggle with, etc.

So, go and read. No doubt you will enjoy.

Here is a quote from her blog entitled "Why It Matters" that I think is very insightful and just...so fucking spot on!

"Those of us who write about pop culture get accused, on occasion, of being frivolous. After all, there are more serious problems in the world than the lyrics of Lady Gaga, or the meaning of Eryka Badu's new video. But the truth is, art is one of the main ways we understand our own emotions, and connect with each other across whatever differences we think we have. And so, I for one think it matters what kind of art we have access to. Does it affirm our lives, or erase them? Does it celebrate our bodies, or judge them? Does it increase pleasure and safety, or pain and fear? If art matters, then these questions do, too."

Although I am no Jacyln Friedman, or any other pop culture analyst, I still firmly believe that the media plays a giant monstrous role in how we view ourselves and others.

A lot of the reading I do discusses media literacy. I recently read an article about actress Geena Davis and how she is trying to get the Healthy Media for Youth act passed. Levy's Female Chauvinist Pigs talks a lot about the portrayal of women in the media. And I cannot wait to see the documentary Miss Representation.

 

"In one week American teenagers spend 31 hours watching TV, 17 hours listening to music, 3 hours watching movies, 4 hours reading magazines, 10 hours online. That’s 10 hours and 45 minutes of media consumption a day."

I strongly feel as though media literacy is something that should be taught from a young age. People need to learn to question the images they are bombarded with everyday. By teaching youth to analyze and critique the negative myths that the media feeds us, they will be more aware of the effects these images have on themselves, others, their relationships, and their futures.

Imagine a world where a woman can hold a powerful position without someone mentioning the possibility of plastic surgery or the potential for PMS to get in the way of her doing her job?! In my ideal world, it would be blasphemous and unheard of to even make such commentary. If little girls start questioning the hypersexualized and unrealistic images they see at a young age, perhaps they will grow up firmly believing that they don't have to take off their clothes to be considered sexy, that they don't need to be a size 0 to be considered beautiful, or that they don't need male attention/acceptance to feel any self worth.

Maybe then we will be able to make the distinction between what we are doing for ourselves versus what we are doing for the attention or entertainment of others.

All in all, I definitely think media literacy is something that should be a part of every school's curriculum. Media affects everyone in the long run.

....could be an interesting project to delve into....

"Men look at women. Women watch themselves being looked at. . . ."

Last week I finished reading Ariel Levy's Female Chauvinist Pigs. Legit read this book in 2 days. 

AMAZING READ. 

Loved it. It perfectly depicted the internal struggle that I feel personally as a female. 

Is this sexual liberation that I feel truly of my own accord? Or have I been fooled into believing it is for myself when really I am just a product of this media-driven misogynist culture? Is this empowerment I am feeling or do I merely feel good getting some sort of male attention?

......how would I even be able to tell? 

It's hard. I think it's very human to have a need to feel desired and receive attention. It's also very hard these days to distinguish negative attention from positive especially when we are bombarded with the message that attention to our appearance is of the utmost importance. 

If hypersexuality is seen as "anti-feminist" and hiding our sexual desires and limiting our sexuality for fear of slut-shaming is also not a good thing, then....fuck...what is there?  What is the solution? 

How do we ever know if we are doing things truly for ourselves? It's not like we stop and reflect before every action we choose or every decision we make.

Sigh. 

Anywho...read this Great Review in the NY Times.

Advice from a Fish...?

Blarghhhh.

Moving in a week and a half. Not too thrilled about it. Packing? Sucks.

The next couple of months are kind of up in the air pour moi.

Job? Do I stay or go?

Waiting on some big(ish) news for the new year *crossing my fingers*

If all goes to shit then I definitely need to sit down and fo serious re-evaluate what I am doing with myself. 

....I hate not knowing. Really grinds away at ya.

So much for that degree I spent 4 years on. Seems to me it doesn't hold much worth as it once did.

Experience? Oh, right. Experience. Hmm...Well....riddle me this...how is one supposed to gain  experience without opportunities to gain experience?

.....Just keep swimming, swimming swimming....

Bliss