I read a post today about a young girl's experience in a classroom, discussing how to prevent rape (as if there is any answer other than "don't rape"), where she felt overwhelmed by the reactions of her peers to such a sensitive topic.
It reminded me of my own experience of leaving the classroom to cry.
I was in an acting class, Actually, it was the last class of the course and we were performing our final scenes.
My scene was from the play - later made into a movie - Closer. I was the female lead and my scene partner was the male lead. If you haven't read the play or seen the movie, it contains very sexually explicit material and language. The scene we would be performing was one that contained very graphic language.
I'm not gonna lie, it was a challenge. My scene partner and I had discussed the scene to a great extent - how we viewed the characters/broke them down, their history, why they were saying these things, etc. etc. etc. We noted how we thought normal people would not talk to each other like this and, if in real life, someone spoke to us in that manner we would simply walk out.
The way the class worked was you performed the scene, the teacher would critique and give notes to assist, and you would perform it again.
We performed the scene how we would have rehearsed it. It was a very intense scene and I thought we did a great job with our interpretation.
Our instructor told us that we needed even more intensity. She wanted the argument to go beyond simple communication and she would like us to take it to the next level. She told my scene partner that, if he felt the urge to grab me, then that's what he should do.
I said "okay" wearily, even though I wasn't exactly comfortable. "That isn't what we rehearsed," I thought. But decided to go with it anyways.
We started the scene again and the intensity level grew. The instructor kept shouting things out at us while we were performing - to go to the next level, more intensity, more more more.
I began to get frustrated. And not the angry kind of frustrated. The uncomfortable, "shut the hell up while we are trying to do this" kind of frustration.
She stopped us as we were approaching the end of the scene. She jumped up and said that it still wasn't enough.
"She is pissing you off. You are getting so angry that you just want to throw her on that bed and rape her," she said to my partner.
Everyone in the class started laughing and I think someone even said "Ooooh ya!". I, however, was not laughing. Nor my scene partner. My breathing starting getting heavy - the kind of breathing where your chin starts to quiver and you know you are about to cry. But I held it in.
"Let's do it one more time." she said.
We did. We had intensity. The "throw her on the bed and rape her" kind of intensity that she was looking for.
When we finished, I stood there with a cold look on my face and my arms crossed. She could tell something was up so she asked me if there was a problem.
"Yes I have a problem," I said. "I'm uncomfortable. That was not how we imagined the scene and we did not rehearse any of the physicality that you sprung on us. Also, everyone was laughing when you mentioned the idea of rape."
At that point my chin started to quiver and my voice got shakey. "Everyone was laughing and I don't find it funny. I don't find rape funny."
At that point I could feel the tears start and I turned and walked out of the room. I left and went and cried in the bathroom.
The teacher came and found me to apologize. She said she didn't realize how that might make someone feel like that and if I was uncomfortable with the material, I should have spoken to her about it. I told her it wasn't the original material, it was how she forced her "rapey" version of the scene on us like that. Other students in the class also apologized for laughing and told me that they don't really truly think rape is something to laugh about.
That was one of the worst feelings ever. Mind you, now that I look back on the incident I think it is fair to say that some people simply laughed because they were uncomfortable - a common reaction. I know I have laughed at inappropriate things because I was uncomfortable and didn't know what else to do at the time. I don't hold it against anybody. But, like I said, I still felt shitty about it.
I was also pretty ticked that the instructor had thrown that at us. I still to this day don't see how our interpretation of the scene could be wrong. It was just different than hers. I also don't think that any sort of physicality (especially one of a violent nature) should be improvised on the spot. That shit needs to be rehearsed so that everyone involved feels safe and comfortable.
Sadly, this isn't the only experience I have like this - where people laugh about rape or how women are raped because they dress like "sluts". I have cried on multiple occasions following discussions about rape and victim-blaming. I share the same frustrations as Jamie - why don't people "get it". It's a simple concept: women are in no way responsible for their own rapes. They are raped because someone chose to rape them.
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