Hmmm....

The other week I was having a low point. You know those kind of days - you are in a sad, foul, depressing mood and you sit there rethinking everything about your life, everything you've done and everything that has happened to you up until this point. You listen to sad music even though you know it's only going to make you feel worse and you cry so hard you sound like a wounded animal but you can get away with it because no one is home and only the neighbours can hear you but you don't care because they are strangers and what the hell do they know about your life? You need someone to talk to so, out of desperation, you call your Mum who can't make out what you're saying through your sobs and the sounds of sniffing the snot back into your nose. She thinks something really awful has happened or that you are physically hurt but calms down - a little - once she realizes it's just your heart that's hurting.

Yeah, one of those moments....

So, there I was. Questioning myself as a person, my relationships with others, the whole lot. 

I sat there wondering if my feminist views were actually hindering my relationships with people - friends, acquaintances and, more importantly, lovers or boyfriends.  I have been struggling with the mentality that I need to change people's opinions on certain issues and that if they could just see things in a different light then all would be well with the world. "Isn't that what activism is all about?" I thought. If people didn't listen to me or tried to make the issue into a joke I would get overwhelmed and upset. I took it personally. How could I not? These were things I so strongly believe in. To have someone laugh in your face when you discuss issues so personal to you is like a slap in the face. It felt like someone was laughing at my own pain. I would walk away feeling frustrated and angry at the world. And this feeling would linger for days.

As I sat there questioning all of this, I happened to open a newspaper and flip to the horoscope section. And, in all honesty, here is what it said:

"Is it possible that your compulsive discontent for certain political issues is inhibiting your capacity for personal happiness?"

Ho.Ly. Shit.

Um. Yeah. I think it is definitely possible!

While I am not one who normally buys into all the horoscope-y schtuff, I truly believe that this is a sign.

I talked to Kels about it the other night and she gave me some advice that I really took to heart. It's impossible to keep everyone in check about sensitive subjects ALL the time. And, obviously, not everyone is going to 100% agree with you. I need to start thinking about Feminism in relation to ME and how it pertains to my own life - not necessarily the lives of others. Perhaps I have been too serious as of late, finding the offense in every little thing that anyone says. Geeze, it's like I've been acting like the Feminism Police! Hardcore. I need to relax. For my own sanity, I need to relax. If I don't like something someone says or if a remark or comment offends me...a discussion is a possibility but not a necessity. There doesn't need to be a lecture or a "shame on you". Sometimes, it's just not worth getting upset or worked up over.

While it will be tough, I think having this sort of mentality about Feminism will free my mind of these constant "Is this really the world I live in?" thoughts. Hells yes there are a shitload of depressing things happening every day around me. And yes, sometimes anger and outrage can be a  motivating factor in fighting for a better world. But I'd like to think staying hopeful and keeping a positive outlook will spark more change than anger will.