Keep Yo' Head Up Giiiiirl

Book List

Here is a list of books I hope to acquire and finish in the next coming months....

Bossypants by Tina Fey

Yes means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power & a World Without Rape by Jaclyn Friedman & Jessica Valenti

Reality Bites Back: The Troubling Truth About Guilty Pleasure TV by Jennifer L. Pozner

The Feminine Mystique by Betty Friedan

Is Everyone Hanging Out With Me? (And Other Concerns) by Mindy Kaling

Happy reading!

It's that time of year again!

2012 is fast approaching. So methinks it is time for some *new* New Year's resolutions!

But first: let me reflect on my 2011 resolutions.

They were....somewhat....successful.

I'm not sure as to how I can really tell if I've become more self aware. I've been more reflective - that's for sure. 

I definitely took a few risks this year. I learned how to be a better snowboarder, I joined a baseball league in the summer, I let my vulnerable side show - something which  I hardly ever do - in order to make a relationship work, I quit my full-time job because I was unhappy, etc. These may not sound like major risks (especially the sports-related activities - I had let my athletic side diminish for some time) but they were to me and that's all that matters.

I'm still working on standing up for myself. I've been told that I'm too nice to the people who least deserve it and show my *ugly* side to those who don't. I don't know why I'm like that. But I am definitely aware that this is something that needs to change.

And worrying about the future? Frig. That's a tough one. I don't think that will ever go away. Not anytime soon atleast. Everything is up in the air right now since I left the full-time gig. Do I regret it? Hell no. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and that I'm getting back to being myself. That place changed me and not in a good way. One on hand, it's nice to have this freedom to do the things I really want to do. But on the other hand, finances as well as not knowing what's to come can be stressful. Hellooo anxiety!

So. What do I want for 2012? Let's see....

Stop avoiding confrontation (we'll keep that one around....).

Learn to cook.

Create more (writing, theatre, etc.)

Be more flexible (and not in that sense! I need to be less anal (ha) about time and plans, etc.). 

Stop being Blackberry-dependent (such a bad habit). 

Be more direct about my wants/needs. 

.....bring it 2012.

Recognize Your Own Priviledge

The Occupy movement has been occupying the news as of late. People have also taken to their Facebook walls and Twitter feeds about the movement as well.
I had been reading up on Occupy Toronto and spoken to some people about it. Some people supported it while others did not. But I found that those who did not support the protests did not just state their opinions or throw out statistics and other facts to back up their views; oftentimes they came across as ignorant judgemental priveledged fucks (for the most part).

Now, let it be said that at this point I was only relying on media outlets (as majority of people do) to get my information about the protests taking place in St. James park. However, being me, I am fully aware that the media project their own biases into this information (sometimes falsifying facts, editing out critical information, or simply only showing certain aspects).

So, what did I do? I went down to St. James park to see for myself (well...I had a buddy). I wanted to see if the park was, in fact, filled with homeless/jobless/uninformed/hippies (as all those opposed had been telling me).

We entered the park and the first thing I came across was a large tent that had boxes and make-shift shelves full of books. Each bin was labelled with a genre. There were some people sitting and reading, others going through the books, and two other individuals at a table that had a bunch of reading material pertaining to the causes of the Occupy protest. There was also a whiteboard set up that had a "discussion" schedule scribbled on it - various discussions on important topics and at what time they would be taking place.

We continued walking down the path that was lined with tents and porta-potties. Yes, it did smell like urine in a few spots but usually porta-potties do give off that smell. If you haven't experienced this then you've probably never been camping, or to a large outdoor concert or to any other environment where outdoor toilets are needed. To you I say: it's time to crawl out from under your rock.

We came upon the gazebo in the middle of the park. A group of about 10-12 people were seated there and a discussion was already underway when we approached. A younger man saw us, motioned for us to come up and join, and handed us small pamphlets. "Who is the 99%: An Occupy Toronto Workshop Series", it said on the front. It contained the dates and times of other discussions they would be having and short blurbs about the various topics (for example: "Why the 1% Likes Austerity", "Sexism in the 99%", "Labour Unionism in Canada: Legacies and Limits", etc.). On the back, there was this:

"As the Occupy Toronto movement gains momentum in Toronto, participants are eager to think through what we're doing. We know there are differences within the 99% and that one of our greatest challenges will be to strengthen our ability to communicate with each other. This workshop series is intended to be a forum within which assembly members can talk through urgent  organizational and political questions, develop careful analysis of the systems we aim to change, and strategize on the basis of shared common ground."

And who said they movement wasn't somewhat organized?

The gentleman that was mid-speech when we arrived was discussing police brutality and those who are victims of it (usually people of colour who live in low-income neighbourhoods). He cited many case studies (one of which included a pregnant woman who was tazered when she failed to tell the police the whereabouts of her thirteen year old son).

He then threw out a question in which anyone could speak up and share their opinions: "Are police officers a part of the 99%?"

This led to an open discussion about police officers and their moral responsibilities to protect and serve the people. The group noted that obviously not every police officer is immoral, but at the same time, what happens when they see their fellow officers behaving negatively? Do they speak up?

The one thing that really stood out to me was when a younger guy raised his hand. He told the group that he is a full-time teacher. He said that if he, as a teacher, ever witnessed one of his co-workers, a fellow teacher, doing something to a student, a child, then he would be morally obligated to speak up so as to ensure the safety and well-being of students and others at the school. It is a part of his job to do so.

I agree with him. Others would argue that police officers could lose their jobs if they were to speak up and that there is some type of "brotherhood code" they follow once they join the police force, yadda  yadda yadda. I can understand that - no one wants to lose their job, especially at a time like this. But at the same time - I say bull.shit. If this is true, then we cannot put our trust in the police to keep us safe. No fucking wonder majority of sexual assault or rapes are never reported! But nevermind, you can go back and read my thoughts on SlutWalk in regards to that.

Anyways, back to the main topic of this post!

My buddy and I stood and listened for about 45 minutes and then decided to leave. BUT. I want to make the point of saying that the people in that group HAD  jobs. That guy I mentioned above is a teacher, two women were lawyers, some individuals worked for non-profit organizations, some were University or College students. It was not just a bunch of homeless, jobless hippies sitting around in a circle banging on a drum. And even if there were some homeless individuals there, that does in no way mean that they don't have valid arguments to make or that their employment status can render their opinions invalid.

Did I see homeless "crazy" people in the park? Sure. Most of the ones I saw were just walking around or hanging out conversing with others. If an environment like that is available to them - of course they are going to congregate there. Because they have no where else to go.

So what did I learn from going down there myself? Well, I learned that you cannot generalize about a group of people. Not only is that incorrect but it's also extremely ignorant. You also can't rely on the media to  give you all of your (mis)information. If you don't give two shits about the cause because you think it doesn't affect you or you don't agree with it, that is fine. But don't be ignorant and try to lump everyone together in order to nullify the protest/cause and silence them.

It really irks me when I hear people say that they are pissed off or annoyed because the protest disrupted their daily commute to work or school or interrupted their nice evening stroll. Stand back and acknowledge your own fucking priveledge. Atleast you have a job to go to. You're lucky to be able to afford to go to school. Oh, I'm so sorry that a group of people - protesting for basic rights, protesting to make things better for not only themselves but for YOU as well, protesting for things that they believe in - are getting in the way of you enjoying your daily walk through the park to go to Starbucks and get your venti low-fat vanilla machiatto.

You think they should find a different outlet for their protest? Okay. That's fair. What would you suggest?

I know the feeling...

I read a post today about a young girl's experience in a classroom, discussing how to prevent rape (as if there is any answer other than "don't rape"), where she felt overwhelmed by the reactions of her peers to such a sensitive topic.

It reminded me of my own experience of leaving the classroom to cry.

I was in an acting class, Actually, it was the last class of the course and we were performing our final scenes.

My scene was from the play - later made into a movie - Closer. I was the female lead and my scene partner was the male lead. If you haven't read the play or seen the movie, it contains very sexually explicit material and language. The scene we would be performing was one that contained very graphic language.

I'm not gonna lie, it was a challenge. My scene partner and I had discussed the scene to a great extent - how we viewed the characters/broke them down, their history, why they were saying these things, etc. etc. etc. We noted how we thought normal people would not talk to each other like this and, if in real life, someone spoke to us in that manner we would simply walk out.

The way the class worked was you performed the scene, the teacher would critique and give notes to assist, and you would perform it again.

We performed the scene how we would have rehearsed it. It was a very intense scene and I thought we did a great job with our interpretation.

Our instructor told us that we needed even more intensity. She wanted the argument to go beyond simple communication and she would like us to take it to the next level. She told my scene partner that, if he felt the urge to grab me, then that's what he should do.

I said "okay" wearily, even though I wasn't exactly comfortable. "That isn't what we rehearsed," I thought. But decided to go with it anyways.

We started the scene again and the intensity level grew. The instructor kept shouting things out at us while we were performing - to go to the next level, more intensity, more more more.

I began to get frustrated. And not the angry kind of frustrated. The uncomfortable, "shut the hell up while we are trying to do this" kind of frustration.

She stopped us as we were approaching the end of the scene. She jumped up and said that it still wasn't enough.

"She is pissing you off. You are getting so angry that you just want to throw her on that bed and rape her," she said to my partner.

Everyone in the class started laughing and I think someone even said "Ooooh ya!". I, however, was not laughing. Nor my scene partner. My breathing starting getting heavy - the kind of breathing where your chin starts to quiver and you know you are about to cry. But I held it in.

"Let's do it one more time." she said.

We did. We had intensity. The "throw her on the bed and rape her" kind of intensity that she was looking for.

When we finished, I stood there with a cold look on my face and my arms crossed. She could tell something was up so she asked me if there was a problem.

"Yes I have a problem," I said. "I'm uncomfortable. That was not how we imagined the scene and we did not rehearse any of the physicality that you sprung on us. Also, everyone was laughing when you mentioned the idea of rape."

At that point my chin started to quiver and my voice got shakey. "Everyone was laughing and I don't find it funny. I don't find rape funny."

At that point I could feel the tears start and I turned and walked out of the room. I left and went and cried in the bathroom.

The teacher came and found me to apologize. She said she didn't realize how that might make someone feel like that and if I was uncomfortable with the material, I should have spoken to her about it. I told her it wasn't the original material, it was how she forced her "rapey" version of the scene on us like that. Other students in the class also apologized for laughing and told me that they don't really truly think rape is something to laugh about.

That was one of the worst feelings ever. Mind you, now that I look back on the incident I think it is fair to say that some people simply laughed because they were uncomfortable - a common reaction. I know I have laughed at inappropriate things because I was uncomfortable and didn't know what else to do at the time. I don't hold it against anybody. But, like I said, I still felt shitty about it.

I was also pretty ticked that the instructor had thrown that at us. I still to this day don't see how our interpretation of the scene could be wrong. It was just different than hers. I also don't think that any sort of physicality (especially one of a violent nature) should be improvised on the spot. That shit needs to be rehearsed so that everyone involved feels safe and comfortable.

Sadly, this isn't the only experience I have like this - where people laugh about rape or how women are raped because they dress like "sluts". I have cried on multiple occasions following discussions about rape and victim-blaming. I share the same frustrations as Jamie - why don't people "get it". It's a simple concept: women are in no way responsible for their own rapes. They are raped because someone chose to rape them.

Girls Inc. of Durham is screening Miss Representation next Friday November 4th at The Regent Theatre in Oshawa!

Eeeeee! I reeeeeeeallly hope I can make it out. I am dying to see this documentary. 

Well Said!

So I came across this woman named Jaclyn Friedman quite a while ago and I love her writing.

A little bit about this woman (according to www.amplifyyourvoice.org):

"Jaclyn Friedman is a pop culture junkie and the editor of the hit book Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape.She is a survivor of sexual assault who has been a pro-sex, anti-rape activist for over 15 years, and she's become a popular speaker about sexuality and safety issues on campuses across the country. Friedman is also an award-winning writer and performer whose work has been published in outlets including The Huffington Post, The American Prospect, Bitch, AlterNet, and DoubleX. She spends her days working as the Program Director of the Center for New Words, and is co-founder of WAM!, CNW's conference on Women, Action, & the Media. Friedman is a charter member of CounterQuo, a national leadership coalition challenging the way we respond to sexual violence. You can follow her on Twitter at @jaclynf."

I have been reading her blog "Yes Means Yes". Not only is she hilarious and well-spoken, but she hits the nail on the head on many of the issues that I am interested in/care about/struggle with, etc.

So, go and read. No doubt you will enjoy.

Here is a quote from her blog entitled "Why It Matters" that I think is very insightful and just...so fucking spot on!

"Those of us who write about pop culture get accused, on occasion, of being frivolous. After all, there are more serious problems in the world than the lyrics of Lady Gaga, or the meaning of Eryka Badu's new video. But the truth is, art is one of the main ways we understand our own emotions, and connect with each other across whatever differences we think we have. And so, I for one think it matters what kind of art we have access to. Does it affirm our lives, or erase them? Does it celebrate our bodies, or judge them? Does it increase pleasure and safety, or pain and fear? If art matters, then these questions do, too."

Although I am no Jacyln Friedman, or any other pop culture analyst, I still firmly believe that the media plays a giant monstrous role in how we view ourselves and others.

A lot of the reading I do discusses media literacy. I recently read an article about actress Geena Davis and how she is trying to get the Healthy Media for Youth act passed. Levy's Female Chauvinist Pigs talks a lot about the portrayal of women in the media. And I cannot wait to see the documentary Miss Representation.

 

"In one week American teenagers spend 31 hours watching TV, 17 hours listening to music, 3 hours watching movies, 4 hours reading magazines, 10 hours online. That’s 10 hours and 45 minutes of media consumption a day."

I strongly feel as though media literacy is something that should be taught from a young age. People need to learn to question the images they are bombarded with everyday. By teaching youth to analyze and critique the negative myths that the media feeds us, they will be more aware of the effects these images have on themselves, others, their relationships, and their futures.

Imagine a world where a woman can hold a powerful position without someone mentioning the possibility of plastic surgery or the potential for PMS to get in the way of her doing her job?! In my ideal world, it would be blasphemous and unheard of to even make such commentary. If little girls start questioning the hypersexualized and unrealistic images they see at a young age, perhaps they will grow up firmly believing that they don't have to take off their clothes to be considered sexy, that they don't need to be a size 0 to be considered beautiful, or that they don't need male attention/acceptance to feel any self worth.

Maybe then we will be able to make the distinction between what we are doing for ourselves versus what we are doing for the attention or entertainment of others.

All in all, I definitely think media literacy is something that should be a part of every school's curriculum. Media affects everyone in the long run.

....could be an interesting project to delve into....

"Men look at women. Women watch themselves being looked at. . . ."

Last week I finished reading Ariel Levy's Female Chauvinist Pigs. Legit read this book in 2 days. 

AMAZING READ. 

Loved it. It perfectly depicted the internal struggle that I feel personally as a female. 

Is this sexual liberation that I feel truly of my own accord? Or have I been fooled into believing it is for myself when really I am just a product of this media-driven misogynist culture? Is this empowerment I am feeling or do I merely feel good getting some sort of male attention?

......how would I even be able to tell? 

It's hard. I think it's very human to have a need to feel desired and receive attention. It's also very hard these days to distinguish negative attention from positive especially when we are bombarded with the message that attention to our appearance is of the utmost importance. 

If hypersexuality is seen as "anti-feminist" and hiding our sexual desires and limiting our sexuality for fear of slut-shaming is also not a good thing, then....fuck...what is there?  What is the solution? 

How do we ever know if we are doing things truly for ourselves? It's not like we stop and reflect before every action we choose or every decision we make.

Sigh. 

Anywho...read this Great Review in the NY Times.

Advice from a Fish...?

Blarghhhh.

Moving in a week and a half. Not too thrilled about it. Packing? Sucks.

The next couple of months are kind of up in the air pour moi.

Job? Do I stay or go?

Waiting on some big(ish) news for the new year *crossing my fingers*

If all goes to shit then I definitely need to sit down and fo serious re-evaluate what I am doing with myself. 

....I hate not knowing. Really grinds away at ya.

So much for that degree I spent 4 years on. Seems to me it doesn't hold much worth as it once did.

Experience? Oh, right. Experience. Hmm...Well....riddle me this...how is one supposed to gain  experience without opportunities to gain experience?

.....Just keep swimming, swimming swimming....

Bliss